I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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