Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
