DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize