but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
