Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
