After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
