my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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