omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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