just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
