i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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