My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
