Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
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But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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