As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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