I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
