WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
