i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's official drugs can't kill me
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
