One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need to sanitize my soul.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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