My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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