i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
