you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
