you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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