Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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