If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
