Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
