im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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