dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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