can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
this is an emotional support booty call
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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