I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
