dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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