remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
