Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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