Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
