That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I stole a fireplace last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
