i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
