True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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