i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
