i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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