Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just want nice things and good sex
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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