I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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