I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
