i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
