someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
