I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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