I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
