cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
