Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
