when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
PANTIES FOUND
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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