Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
