I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
