I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
