i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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