Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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