just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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