i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
