My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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