fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
