Please, let me fuck your mom
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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