Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
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I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
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I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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