Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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