I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
