so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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