I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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