Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
