Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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