Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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