I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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